Why won’t my child play with other kids?

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Playing seems like such a natural and instinctive skill for children. Children possess so much wonder, creativity and imagination that fosters their ability to play. This is because play is a child’s main method of cognitive, emotional and physical development in their formative years. When a child struggles to play with other children, it can raise some concerns for families. A child’s ability to effectively play with peers requires a hierarchy of other skills that can adequately prepare them to play and engage with others socially.

How does a child play?

Play occurs in a hierarchy of skills and development before they are able to cooperatively play. This is often referred to as the 6 stages of play:

Unoccupied play (0-3 months)

The movements a baby makes with their body (i.e., arms, legs, hands and feet). These movements help children develop body awareness, discover how their body moves and where they are in space. This is important to build their foundational understanding of themselves, what their body is capable of and to build the muscle tone for more complex movements (and play skills).

Solitary play (0-2 years)

When a child plays by themselves, not interested in other people and often fixated on cause and effect toys (i.e., opening and closing lids/boxes, banging spoons, flicking switches, etc) or preferred toys. This helps them develop their focus, attention and understand that their actions have an impact on the world that is predictable and repetitive (i.e., cause and effect toys).

Spectator/onlooker behaviour (2 years)

When children watch other children playing from afar but do not engage with them. The child will continue to participate in solitary play but will be more readily distracted and begin to watch other children play. During this stage other children are modelling more complex skills of play (i.e., communication, rule development, imaginary play, functional play skills, etc), which the child eventually learns through observation.

Parallel play (2+ years)

During this stage a child will begin to play alongside or near other children. The child does not actively participate with other children and there is not a strong interest in the child they are playing alongside. They may not have developed the necessary social, cognitive or emotional skills to effectively interact with their peers or may generally just have the preference to play beside another child.

Associative play (3-4 years)

This occurs when a child starts to interact with other children during play but the level of interaction is limited so it does not require much cooperation. For example, all the kids may play together on the playground for some obstacles but they are often doing different things. There is a level of interest and interaction, minimal to moderate depending on what they are playing as a group.

Cooperative play (4+ years)

The highest level of playing that offers a level of social skills that allows cooperation and interest in the activity and the other children involved in playing. The child engages in conversations with their peers, can adapt and create rule schemes for the games and experience some conflict between peers. It is important to understand that while a child is able to play and interact with others at this stage, they are still developing and learning and may require support from adults for conflict resolution, establishing boundaries, rules and to assess risks.

Things children can do to prepare themselves to play with others

Playing with cause and effect toys.
Develop special interest areas (i.e., dinosaurs, drawing, ballerinas, trucks, Bluey, etc). Having a special interest creates internal and external motivations for play and increases their focus on a task.
Playing with adults that model effective communication and language development. Adults also model positive emotional regulation strategies and can model how to respect other people’s views and opinions.
Sensory play stimulates and exposes children to new and exciting experiences to better support their ability to regulate and engage in different sensory opportunities.
Engaging in imaginative play (i.e., creating creative stories, games and rules to foster creativity, develop roles and understand boundaries).

How do developmental delays or disabilities impact children learning to play?

When a child experiences a developmental delay or disability their opportunity or ability to play may be impacted. Play may have to be adapted to suit the child’s individual needs and strengths or their peers may require support to learn how to engage their new friend. Most children are curious about other children and are willing to adapt and learn to support other children with the compassion and support of trusted adults.

Children who struggle with play development benefit from structured play when learning a new game or activity to increase their understanding of the rules of the game. Children with delays or disabilities also often gravitate towards adults because adults have more patience than younger children who have not developed the communication skills and ability to readily adapt to their needs.

This means that a child with developmental delays or disabilities may take longer to progress through the stages of play but this is not to say they will not progress. With the right therapeutic intervention, support, opportunities and equipment, a child often has the capabilities to learn and develop their own versions of play.

Who do I see if I have concerns?

At Strong and Courageous Kids, we support families to better understand a child’s strengths and provide effective evidence-based interventions to support a child’s development. Our therapists are specially qualified to help identify reasons as to why a child is struggling to play and address it through modalities such as TASES, Spider cage, Dynamic Movement Intervention, reflex integration, and much much more.